Day 41

A friend of mine jokingly likes to say "I suffer from ADS - Attention Deficit SHINY!". We all recognize that distracted quality when we see it in conversation with another. And it's humbling to realize how, when all I have set is the simple task of focusing on my breathing, my mind displays full-blown Attention Deficit SHINY.

Many great ideas tonight - which was not exactly the goal. But one new development: I was in the middle of a very emotional thought. The emotion attached to the thought was unease about change. I dropped the story/thought, got interested in how the emotion felt somatically, relaxed my muscles and breathed into it.

I was wracked with involuntary shudders and a tear or two. There was no attempt to choke off either of these phenomena. There was no judgment. Just a curiosity. The moment felt like it was probably important. And soon enough it was gone, as I became distracted by the idea of making gluten-free, organic, 100-mile muesli.

Attention Deficit SHINY!

Day 40

Still at it. Despite my intention last week to return to a consistent 20 minute sit per day routine, I again missed two daily sits and made up for it with a 60 minute sit on Saturday.

When somebody first told me about meditation, one of my first rections was "What's wrong with getting lost in thought? That's where my song ideas and show ideas and work ideas all come from. Are you asking me to give that up? That sounds a lot like giving up my creative process."

It's not that traveling down the byways of your mind in search of inspiration, nostalgia, or a grocery list is wrong. Meditation is about making it a voluntary process, rather than an involuntary process. Maybe like toilet training your mind?

Tonight's sit was interesting. Very distracted, but in a lovely way. If you get caught up in a thought with a lot of emotion attached to it, the instruction is to keep the emotion and drop the story. Usually that's applied to stories that stir up anger, fear, resentment etc. Happy tonight to drop the thought but keep the feeling of joy.

Day 24

The last two sits have been during periods of extreme exhaustion. My work schedule has been such that I am often meditating just before bed, when I really would prefer to be IN bed, or on days when I have had far too little sleep the night before.

It is more difficult to keep the mind focused when I am tired. It wants to drift off, yet it seems as if it does not have the energy to really get off and running down a fantasy path.

That is all for tonight. Bed would be a good idea. I am going to a Christmas party instead.

Day 22

Yesterday's sit was qualitatively different from any other meditation session I have had in my life. Usually, I am able to remain present for a few minutes at a time, if that. Then I am off on some train of thought - career, sex, food, revenge. Yesterday I remained present for what seemed like ages. A few little thoughts attempted to take root, but I was able to quickly recognize them and gently ease myself back to focusing on breathing and noticing my body. It was an interesting experience. There was emptiness but no boredom. Graphic designers talk about the beauty of negative space. This was like a mindscape version of same.

Fortunately I have heard many times that one should not be surprised when after a breakthrough session like that you go right back to a cluttered, discursive mind again. So I was not disappointed today when that was precisely what happened in today's sit. Not TOO disappointed.

Day 17

That post a few days ago where I said I get carried away more by career fantasies than by sex fantasies? I may need to re-think that...

Day 12

Today was a run-of-the-mill sit. Periods of presence and focus alternating with periods of discursiveness. I find it interesting the fantasies that take me away for the longest periods of time. Most people report sexual fantasies as being the most compelling, followed by food fantasies.

Mine seem to center around career. I imagine my musical becoming successful, with critical accolades pouring in. The wealth of a hit coming my way is a minor detail in this dream. Conspicuously absent form my fantasy of success are images of joyous, entertained and possibly mind-broadened audiences exiting the theater in great smiling droves. In meditation you get to face yourself, without filters.

Knowing what hooks me the most often on the cushion helps me keep aware of my obsessions & sensitive areas & blind spots off the cushion. It's easier to say "Ah... this email makes me angry because it threatens my desire for praise and good reputation." or "Am I prone to trust this guy too much because he's promising me exactly what I desire?"

I suppose it's also a good barometer of where my abundance lies, too. I'm fortunate to have lots of love and sex and good food around me, so my mind doesn't go searching for it obsessively when it travels away from the breath.