A friend of mine jokingly likes to say "I suffer from ADS - Attention Deficit SHINY!". We all recognize that distracted quality when we see it in conversation with another. And it's humbling to realize how, when all I have set is the simple task of focusing on my breathing, my mind displays full-blown Attention Deficit SHINY.
Many great ideas tonight - which was not exactly the goal. But one new development: I was in the middle of a very emotional thought. The emotion attached to the thought was unease about change. I dropped the story/thought, got interested in how the emotion felt somatically, relaxed my muscles and breathed into it.
I was wracked with involuntary shudders and a tear or two. There was no attempt to choke off either of these phenomena. There was no judgment. Just a curiosity. The moment felt like it was probably important. And soon enough it was gone, as I became distracted by the idea of making gluten-free, organic, 100-mile muesli.
Attention Deficit SHINY!
Showing posts with label buddhism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label buddhism. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Day 22
Yesterday's sit was qualitatively different from any other meditation session I have had in my life. Usually, I am able to remain present for a few minutes at a time, if that. Then I am off on some train of thought - career, sex, food, revenge. Yesterday I remained present for what seemed like ages. A few little thoughts attempted to take root, but I was able to quickly recognize them and gently ease myself back to focusing on breathing and noticing my body. It was an interesting experience. There was emptiness but no boredom. Graphic designers talk about the beauty of negative space. This was like a mindscape version of same.
Fortunately I have heard many times that one should not be surprised when after a breakthrough session like that you go right back to a cluttered, discursive mind again. So I was not disappointed today when that was precisely what happened in today's sit. Not TOO disappointed.
Fortunately I have heard many times that one should not be surprised when after a breakthrough session like that you go right back to a cluttered, discursive mind again. So I was not disappointed today when that was precisely what happened in today's sit. Not TOO disappointed.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Day 17
That post a few days ago where I said I get carried away more by career fantasies than by sex fantasies? I may need to re-think that...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Day 9
I missed posting yesterday, but not sitting. The last two sits have been similar in that my mental discursiveness has been fairly consistent. I do not seem to be gaining much discipline in terms of being able to focus on my breathing for progressively longer periods.
I do, however find I notice more quickly in my day-to-day life when I have become lost in thought when my attention should be present: conversing with a boring person, trying to find an elusive song lyric, riding a bicycle in heavy traffic etc. This has immediate tangible benefits.
And finally, I find I am less attached to the idea of progress when it comes to the meditation practice. It has been documented over and over that one's practice will fluctuate in terms of focus and discipline. To expect a linear progression is to add something extra to the sitting-with-what-is. Someone said of meditation that we are all always beginners. So the lesson is to keep coming back. Which will sound familiar to anyone who has done the other '90 in 90'.
I do, however find I notice more quickly in my day-to-day life when I have become lost in thought when my attention should be present: conversing with a boring person, trying to find an elusive song lyric, riding a bicycle in heavy traffic etc. This has immediate tangible benefits.
And finally, I find I am less attached to the idea of progress when it comes to the meditation practice. It has been documented over and over that one's practice will fluctuate in terms of focus and discipline. To expect a linear progression is to add something extra to the sitting-with-what-is. Someone said of meditation that we are all always beginners. So the lesson is to keep coming back. Which will sound familiar to anyone who has done the other '90 in 90'.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Day 7
Very late sit tonight. Unexpected work snafu meant I did not get home until 11:20. Fairly focused, all things considered. I notice I have been less drawn to junk food and to pornography since I have started this practice. I've been intentionally trying to kick the junk food, and have had no opinion or intention about the porn. These last two sentences brought to you by the department of too much information.
To sleep.
To sleep.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Day 6
Today was without a doubt the most difficult sit yet. My mind was absolutely all over the place. Sexual fantasies, lyric ideas, career concerns etc. Totally swept away over and over and over again. I was able to catch myself and return to the present on a number of occasions, but remaining there was simply not happening today.
The idea that the relaxed 'here & now' is the natural state of my mind was not able to hold me. In fact, today's sit felt like a total rebuke to that idea. Dog owners know that a dog simply doesn't want to walk in a straight line, all you can do is pull it back on course. That's what my mind felt like today. Which is where faith comes in.
People often associate faith with the acceptance of wild supernatural ideas without a shred of evidence. It gets a bad rap. But faith can also be about accepting something that you have no direct experience of, based on the experiences of others. Sometimes solely on the experience of others.
The reason ninety sits in ninety days has resonance for me is that 12 step programs recommend that newcomers go to ninety meetings in ninety days. The idea is that this persistence will establish new patterns of thought and behaviour and create a habit for life. To the newcomer, the question "How is sitting in a bunch of mildewy church basements for three months going to change my life?" is a reasonable one. The answer usually is "It just will. You have to experience it to find out."
So to hear that Thich Nhat Hanh recommends ninety sits in ninety days as a way to establish new patterns of thought and behaviour and create a habit for life seems very familiar. I have direct experience with the benefits of ninety meetings in ninety days. It was perhaps the first big leap of faith I took in my life. And there were days when it all felt like a bunch of weird-ass creepy voodoo and I wanted to quit. But at the end of it, my life was changed.
So this meditation persistence is about experiencing it to find out. Back at it tomorrow.
The idea that the relaxed 'here & now' is the natural state of my mind was not able to hold me. In fact, today's sit felt like a total rebuke to that idea. Dog owners know that a dog simply doesn't want to walk in a straight line, all you can do is pull it back on course. That's what my mind felt like today. Which is where faith comes in.
People often associate faith with the acceptance of wild supernatural ideas without a shred of evidence. It gets a bad rap. But faith can also be about accepting something that you have no direct experience of, based on the experiences of others. Sometimes solely on the experience of others.
The reason ninety sits in ninety days has resonance for me is that 12 step programs recommend that newcomers go to ninety meetings in ninety days. The idea is that this persistence will establish new patterns of thought and behaviour and create a habit for life. To the newcomer, the question "How is sitting in a bunch of mildewy church basements for three months going to change my life?" is a reasonable one. The answer usually is "It just will. You have to experience it to find out."
So to hear that Thich Nhat Hanh recommends ninety sits in ninety days as a way to establish new patterns of thought and behaviour and create a habit for life seems very familiar. I have direct experience with the benefits of ninety meetings in ninety days. It was perhaps the first big leap of faith I took in my life. And there were days when it all felt like a bunch of weird-ass creepy voodoo and I wanted to quit. But at the end of it, my life was changed.
So this meditation persistence is about experiencing it to find out. Back at it tomorrow.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Day 5
This was an interesting sit. I felt very clear and present for much longer stretches of time for the first half, then as wild and discursive as ever for the second half. Again the music earworm would not let me go. I suppose that's a good thing, if you're trying to write a catchy song. I also decided to sit in the morning and blog in the evening. I notice that when I have interesting thinking phenomena going on during a sit, I add an "Oh. I'll blog about this distraction" distraction to the distraction. I thought leaving several hours between sit and blog would alleviate this a bit. It did. It also means I have less memory of the workings of my mind during the sit.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Day 4
Funny. Today my meditation was as all-over the place as ever. The earworm was gnawing away (spent another 5 hours on the same song today). Distractions abounded. But the process of returning seemed much gentler. Less like shifting from fifth gear to first.
That's all I have to say about that, because I'm off to a party at a house full of burlesque dancers.
That's all I have to say about that, because I'm off to a party at a house full of burlesque dancers.
Day 3
Sometimes when I meditate, it feels like I'm trying to train myself to do some sort of mental ballet. If I apply sufficient discipline, I will shoehorn my mind into this beautiful, counterintuitive state. My discipline may be harsh or gentle, but it seems like I'm training my mind out of what it naturally wants to do - chase every wild hare of a thought that comes up.
In his book "Turning The Mind Into An Ally" Tibetan Buddhist teacher Sakyom Mipham says that a still, empty peaceful state is the natural state of the mind. When we meditate, we are actually just returning our minds to where they naturally want to be. Thinking of this today was helpful. The brief gaps between thoughts had more of an "Of course." quality to them, less of a "Oh, you've got it - try to hang on!"
I was working on a song for seven hours before sitting down, and I had a crazy earworm going for a lot of this sit. I wondered if an earworm really qualified as a thought, as it was not a verbal concept. Again, wondering if an earworm qualifies as a thought definitely qualifies as a thought. And planning to blog about it later means you're off and running away from where you are.
At this point in the practice, when I'm lucky to have a few seconds here or there without getting carried off by thoughts, the process becomes about persistence. Noticing every time it happens. Returning to the breath every time it happens. Not getting discouraged. Not going crazy. Chuckling and starting fresh. Again and again and again.
In his book "Turning The Mind Into An Ally" Tibetan Buddhist teacher Sakyom Mipham says that a still, empty peaceful state is the natural state of the mind. When we meditate, we are actually just returning our minds to where they naturally want to be. Thinking of this today was helpful. The brief gaps between thoughts had more of an "Of course." quality to them, less of a "Oh, you've got it - try to hang on!"
I was working on a song for seven hours before sitting down, and I had a crazy earworm going for a lot of this sit. I wondered if an earworm really qualified as a thought, as it was not a verbal concept. Again, wondering if an earworm qualifies as a thought definitely qualifies as a thought. And planning to blog about it later means you're off and running away from where you are.
At this point in the practice, when I'm lucky to have a few seconds here or there without getting carried off by thoughts, the process becomes about persistence. Noticing every time it happens. Returning to the breath every time it happens. Not getting discouraged. Not going crazy. Chuckling and starting fresh. Again and again and again.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Day 1
Sitting in meditation, the instruction is to focus on one's natural breathing rhythms. When thoughts arise (and they will) the instruction is to acknowledge that the mind has strayed from the focus on breathing, and to return to that focus.
On this first day of meditation, I was able to focus on breathing occasionally. Perhaps for thirty seconds of the twenty minutes. Thoughts kept coming out to play, like when you shut five children together in a room and tell them it's nap time. Good luck with that. Even if they could use the sleep, they'd rather giggle and goof around. I thought about:
- How the paint job on one of my walls could be better.
- Why I was unhappy with an employee.
- How my dining room linoleum needed another clean.
- How the area of the linoleum nearest the stove is usually dirtiest, perhaps because of small grease spatters over time.
- The texture of the linoleum.
- A new song that I probably will work on later.
- A short film idea that I will probably not work on later unless I decide to abandon songwriting / musical theater production and get into making short films.
- Conversations I am likely to have with my parents when they arrive, and how I might frame things so that they will think am successful and worthy.
- How random, unending, distracting thoughts arising in one's mind (during meditation or really any time) are like having a TV on in the room at all times. I have relatives who do this, and it drives me nuts. To them, the background chatter is normal. Our minds' background chatter is normal to us, but there is value in noticing it, and in being able opt out of getting sucked into the program.
- Writing a blog about this intention to meditate for ninety days, and how people might say "Oh. Good luck with that. You must be spiritually serious."
When I began meditating several years ago, I would try to squeeze the thoughts away. Strain against them. Get mad at myself for having them. Since then, I have heard repeated instructions that thoughts arising are as natural as kids wanting to goof off at nap time. It's what our brains want to do. Expecting that thinking will happen, acknowledging when thinking is going on, and non-judgmentally returning to the focus on breath are helpful.
Twenty minutes seems to be a much more manageable time period so sit for than thirty minutes. I found myself wondering if the time was almost up FAR less often. Perhaps a tenth as many times as for my thirty minute sits. Maybe fifteen times in all.
On this first day of meditation, I was able to focus on breathing occasionally. Perhaps for thirty seconds of the twenty minutes. Thoughts kept coming out to play, like when you shut five children together in a room and tell them it's nap time. Good luck with that. Even if they could use the sleep, they'd rather giggle and goof around. I thought about:
- How the paint job on one of my walls could be better.
- Why I was unhappy with an employee.
- How my dining room linoleum needed another clean.
- How the area of the linoleum nearest the stove is usually dirtiest, perhaps because of small grease spatters over time.
- The texture of the linoleum.
- A new song that I probably will work on later.
- A short film idea that I will probably not work on later unless I decide to abandon songwriting / musical theater production and get into making short films.
- Conversations I am likely to have with my parents when they arrive, and how I might frame things so that they will think am successful and worthy.
- How random, unending, distracting thoughts arising in one's mind (during meditation or really any time) are like having a TV on in the room at all times. I have relatives who do this, and it drives me nuts. To them, the background chatter is normal. Our minds' background chatter is normal to us, but there is value in noticing it, and in being able opt out of getting sucked into the program.
- Writing a blog about this intention to meditate for ninety days, and how people might say "Oh. Good luck with that. You must be spiritually serious."
When I began meditating several years ago, I would try to squeeze the thoughts away. Strain against them. Get mad at myself for having them. Since then, I have heard repeated instructions that thoughts arising are as natural as kids wanting to goof off at nap time. It's what our brains want to do. Expecting that thinking will happen, acknowledging when thinking is going on, and non-judgmentally returning to the focus on breath are helpful.
Twenty minutes seems to be a much more manageable time period so sit for than thirty minutes. I found myself wondering if the time was almost up FAR less often. Perhaps a tenth as many times as for my thirty minute sits. Maybe fifteen times in all.
My Intention
My intention is to sit in meditation for twenty minutes daily for ninety days. Vietnamese Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh recommends this as a way to establish a lifetime habit.
To date I have not maintained a regular meditation practice, but I keep returning to the practice. I have discovered that practical, specific recommendations on spiritual / mind-training paths are helpful to me. When all else fails, follow instructions. I'm going to follow the instructions of a man who probably knows a bit about the subject.
This blog will track my progress, and document my experiences.
To date I have not maintained a regular meditation practice, but I keep returning to the practice. I have discovered that practical, specific recommendations on spiritual / mind-training paths are helpful to me. When all else fails, follow instructions. I'm going to follow the instructions of a man who probably knows a bit about the subject.
This blog will track my progress, and document my experiences.
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